Nowhere

Again, I've been reading Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I'm sad that I only have one chapter left, I want more! Today's chapter (chapter 11) is exceptional while humbling. Listen to this: "awareness that preoccupation with the yesterdays and tomorrows of life to the neglect of now/here--Nowhere--is not living at all."

Guilty. I live looking forward way too much...looking forward to our trip...looking forward to receiving Megan's photo...looking forward to bringing Megan home.

How about you? Are you living in today? I know, it's tough sometimes, especially if today does not contain exciting, fun or interesting things (yesterday was much better or tomorrow holds such promise). But, we only have today...tomorrow is not guaranteed. Yes, we all know the phrase, but how many of us actually live it? As for me, I am going to focus on today. After all, "today's trouble is enough for today" (Matt. 6:34 NRSV).

The Latest Rumors

Well, today's rumors sound similar to what I've been hearing quite a bit lately. That is...we could receive Megan's information sometime between October 2007 and January 2008. Big window. Certainly does not help us in deciding to schedule a vacation this fall or not. Every time I think "heck with it, let's schedule one!" I second guess myself! So, any ideas or suggestions???? I'm not much of a gambler which makes using up DH's vacation this year tough for me. I don't know.

So, what would it look like in bringing Megan home? Well, if we receive her information for our 10th anniversary in October (could it be true? It happened for the Zimmer's 15th!), then we'd likely travel sometime around Thanksgiving. If it's November that we hear, we'd probably spend Christmas in China (wouldn't THAT be cool???). If it's December, well, if I must think like that, then it'll probably be mid January. If it's January...well...they have holiday in February...so it'll likely be into March. Personally, I prefer the October or November choices!

A Formula to Trust

In reading Ruthless Trust, Manning introduces a formula. Simple math with complex application. (All taken from p. 86)

Faith + Hope = Trust

What is Faith? According to Manning, Faith arises from a personal experience of Jesus as Lord. I would argue it comes from more than a single experience. What kind of experience might it include? Let me see...the overwhelming joy and fulfillment you experience when he comes into your life. I can't really explain it unless you've experienced it.

What is Hope? According to Manning, Hope is the reliance on the promise of Jesus, accompanied by the expectation of fulfillment. I don't know if there is any explanation needed.

What is Trust? Also so well stated by Manning...it is the winsome wedding of faith and hope. It makes sense, doesn't it? You have to have faith and hope in order to trust in Jesus? Yep, I thought so to.

So, do you have faith and hope in Jesus? Even through the tough times, I wouldn't be without faith, hope and trust in Jesus. For me, there is no other way.

It's official

The current batch of referrals arrived yesterday. Some REALLY cute and pretty young kids! Quite a few boys (yes, boys do get adopted out). Typically people who receive boys are families who did not specify gender (we did, however). Unfortunately, it was not near the number of days as was expected which is a bummer. It goes through the families logged in November 7, 2005. We are currently 44 days after that date. So, who knows when we'll receive our referral. Hopefully in 2007!

**updated**Current predictions put us somewhere between October 2007 and January 2008. A mighty big window...one which I hope narrows and comes sooner!

**again updated**Our friends the Zimmers returned their final document! They are simply waiting on travel approval! The agency is working to get it quickly so they can travel with the agency's families who received referrals in May! So...they could be leaving as early as the beginning of July!!! SO EXCITING! They will finally be bringing Faith home!

Limiting God

I was able to read another chapter from Manning's book Ruthless Trust this morning. I truly do not think I can put into words my thoughts on this particular chapter (Thinking Big). I am going to try...and I may later decide it is not sufficient and leave it simply with a quote. He's talking about how we view/define/describe God in our own minds/hearts. So here's the quote, taken from pg. 56:

"The more we let go of our concepts and images, which always limit God, the bigger God grows and the more we approach the mystery of his indefinability. We overlook the dissimiliarity, we begin to speak with obnoxious familiarity about the Holy, make ludicrous comments such as 'I could never imagine God doing such a thing,' calmly predict Armageddon, glibly proclaim infallible discernment of the will of God, and trivialize God, trimming the claws of the Lion of Judah."

Do you see why I cannot come up with the words to describe what I'm thinking about what he writes here? I'm guilty, so guilty. It's true. We spend so much time trying to imagine who God is, we limit Him. We overlook His mystery. We make Him small. We put Him in a box: one that defines Him through our eyes. Oh boy, am I guilty. I've found myself asking, God why isn't Megan here yet? Trying to figure out His plan...His purpose...His perfect will. I can only discern where He wants me to be right now, then obediently be there. What other events must take place surrounding that, I cannot even begin to pretend I know. I can only do what I know the Lord wants me to do right now...the rest is up to Him. He holds the whole world in His hands. I think He can probably handle Megan and facilitate the exact moment our paths intersect. I know it is perfectly planned, not by me, but by someone so much bigger than me: God.

Gratitude

So I've started reading a new book. The author came highly recommended by various friends, and although none of them had heard of this particular one by the author, I knew by the title I needed to read it. It's Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I've not gotten very far into the book, but there are so many challenges and enlightenments I cannot even process them all. If you are looking for a good book, I highly suggest this one.

Here's an example of one of the things that moved me this morning as I was reading. In this specific section he is talking about gratitude. He says "To walk in gratitude is a way of living that is inclusive, attentive, contagious, and theocentric" (p. 30). Each of these have excellent points. But in the 'gratitude is inclusive' he quoted something I just had to share. Henri Nouwen has written on the spiritual work of gratitude...

"To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives--the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections--that requires hard spiritual work." Yep. It sure does. And it never gets easier either, at least that's my experience.

He then closes the quote with this: "Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see it in the guiding hand of a loving God." WOW! So this says to me that all the events of life (big and small) make up who I am and what I can do for God. Let's see...that would include traffic, work, school, studying, Ian, waiting for Megan, I could go on and on...man, what a perspective.

I almost need to take the sentence and place it everywhere I am so I can see it in all my circumstances and be grateful for the good, the bad and the ugly.

Holiday Weekend

On the eve of a long holiday weekend (for most of us, anyways!) I thought I'd post. The last few weeks have been so busy for me. I've started the enormous task of preparing for my qualifying exams. Oh my goodness...there is much more to do than I anticipated! I sure am glad that I started early! WHEW! If it ever stops raining here (yes, its been a very wet spring), we plan on staining the deck and maybe even painting inside this weekend. Whether it is dry enough to do either of these things remains to be seen, but we would like to get something off the long list of summer projects!

We are also on the eve of the next batch of referrals to come out. While we do not expect to be in this batch, rumor has it that it will be larger than we have seen for many a month. If they do get as many days as rumored, we could be in the August or September batch. Much better than the outlook a few weeks ago...which was most likely not bringing Megan home in 2007. Whenever it is, it will be the perfect timing. And we will wait until the appointed time.

Wait Here

In addition to our wonderful pastor, Brian, I frequently listen to a local pastor on the radio. The church is Reunion Church and the pastor is Richard Ellis. Here is the direct link to the most recent sermon that is absolutely moving: Wait Here. Some of the things that touched me...

When Jesus ascended into heaven, he told his disciples to wait here until the Comforter comes. The disciples had to wait more than 50 days. I wonder how many of them wanted to move forward...I wonder how many of them gave up...I wonder how many of them were frustrated and wavering in their faith that Jesus would even send the Comforter. I want to say, I can't imagine. But, unfortunately, I've had to wait for too many things (well, I think it's too many!). The waiting game is something I'm getting good at, not necessarily by my preference to be good at, just kind of happened that way. For example, we've been in process to bring Megan home for over 2 years now. It's been 3 years since Ian joined our family--I thought for sure after God took him home that He would bring us another child by now, but no, we've had to wait here.

Richard in his sermon mentions Habakkuk 2. I'm sure I've read this passage before, but I always find it amazing how God brings different things to life at the appointed time. Look at verse 3: "For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry." Oh man...the vision God gave us years ago to adopt from China--I knew it was not yet time, we had to wait. Yet, at the time the wait was easy. Now, we are still waiting as the appointed time is not yet here. But this wait is FAR more difficult! Being near the end of the journey...seeing the finish line...it sure is hard to wait. But, as Richard Ellis finishes up his sermon..."It is worth the wait." I've heard too many families talk about how when they meet their child for the first time, the wait simply melts away. Too many have said the wait was so worth it (of course they can say this after the fact!).

I certainly want to be where God wants us no matter how long it takes.

Weeds

Brian raised an interesting question this week. After challenging us to consider our expectations of God, he mentioned Matthew 13 and the Parable of the Sower and the Parable of the Weeds. He asked "Do you want to be weeds all your life?" It hit me like a ton of bricks. We have choices...oh, so many choices.

First question: do we want to be weeds? We certainly have the choice here. Do we want to choke out those who have received the word, are growing in the Lord, and are in our circle of friends/acquaintances? Do we, as weeds, want to lead these individuals astray? Do we realize the end result of weeds? They are bundled and burned at the end (Matt 13:40)? I hope we do not want to be weeds.

Second question: Are we "in the weeds"? This one gets a little tougher. This requires us to consider our friends and acquaintances. Are there more weeds around us than wheat? How does being around weeds affect us? We, of course, know the answer, but are we willing to face the answer? The wheat can get plucked up with the weeds...certainly tangled up and possibly choked out. If we are "in the weeds", what do we do? How are we going to change our course? How we do "move" our wheat? Certainly going to need some self-reflection and deep prayer.

Third question: Are we wheat? How do we ensure our wheat is as hearty as possible? How do we ensure we are healthy kernels? How do we surround ourselves with other wheat? If you know anything about farming or gardening, you know that plants that are surrounded by weeds tend to be wimpier than those not being choked out by weeds. If they are fruit or veggie bearing plants, the produce tends to be fewer and/or smaller while the well weeded garden produces much more and much better.

So, I walked away asking myself these questions...and so I pass them on to you. Are you: 1) a weed; 2) in the weeds; or 3) healthy thriving wheat with few weeds around?

A Milestone Achieved

Thank goodness the semester is over! I've submitted my final paper in my final doctoral class! WHEW! What an amazing feeling....of course the greatness of it fades fairly quickly when I think of the dissertation research I get to work on this summer. But for the moment, it feels good! If only it was the final submission of my dissertation. That would definitely call for a celebration of magnificant proportions!

In the mean time, I have a summer to-do list as long as my arm...all those things I've put off for so long will be tackled this summer. Once we see Megan's face, all "things to do" will be lost. Well, at least the ones not Megan related!

God is so Good

During the month of April at our church, we have been collecting funds for Chinese orphans. Originally, the project started with the gift to go to Megan's orphanage--either a cash donation or purchasing items that they need when we arrive in China. However, after the first week, I became aware of an orphanage who did not have a well. They literally carried water from somewhere else to meet the needs of about 60 children. So, we broadened it with the intent to help fund this well project and us take a small amount to Megan's orphanage since most orphanages who participate in international adoption seem to have fewer needs than those who do not participate. And this orphanage cares for special needs children who may never have a home outside of the orphanage.

I received the final numbers today...God is so good...not only will we be giving to fund a little more than half the well project ($3,500), but we are also taking $1,500 to Megan's orphanage. I am completely overwhelmed at how God allows me to be part of the amazing things He is doing in and through RCC. God is so good!

What About You?

If Brian continues with such amazing sermons over the next weeks, I'm going to have make it a tradition to give highlights of the sermons. This week's was so amazing...I've requested a copy. But there was one point that I specifically want to share--besides there were so many excellent points, I wouldn't know where to stop once I started. (Rumor has it...it will appear on the website at some point in the future--see the website below.)

So, taken from John 6, I'll highlight the one point from the chapter I want to mention...although Brian mentioned many. In this chapter, Jesus feeds the 5,000 the first time. Shortly afterwards, Jesus retreats to the mountain to pray. His disciples decide to cross the lake. The trip should have been short--probably an hour--however, NINE HOURS later they are still rowing. As Brian puts it, it's getting kind of "salty". Imagine the physical pain these guys are feeling from rowing against the wind. The water spraying in their face. The frustration (and possibly bad language?) they express to each other--Come on, guys, who's not doing their part? Why aren't we at the other side yet? What in the world? Maybe we should go back? Mark 6:48 says "He (Jesus) saw them straining at the oars, because the wind was against them." Jesus saw them from the mountain as they struggled to get to the other side. Did you see that? JESUS SAW THEM STRUGGLING! After he saw them, he came to them--by walking on the water. Jesus knew they were about ready to quit. He knew they were frustrated. He told them "It is I. Do not be afraid." (John 6:20). After he came into the boat, it was immediately at the shore.

It makes me think...God sees me struggling. He sees me frustrated with how long it is taking to bring Megan home. He knows my sadness that Megan will not be here for Katie's wedding. He knows, if I let it, this wait can make me "salty" too. Why is it taking this long? I don't know. I have the "quip" phrases I say..."Megan's not ready yet" or "God's timing is perfect". All of which I believe are true. But I know, when the rubber hits the road, He sees me, where I am. He will come to me when He knows I'm ready to give up--to turn around--to call it quits. What about you?

So, where are you? Have you just entered the boat and it hasn't gotten "salty" yet? Have you been rowing for hours...trying with all your might to get to the other side? You know, I think there is something else here too...no matter what the disciples did IN THEIR STRENGTH they were not able to overcome the wind and water. It was Jesus who solved their problem. It was Jesus who brought them to shore--when their energy was completely expended and their body ached. When they were at their wits end, it was Jesus who brought them to shore. It was Jesus. It's so simple, but yet so difficult.

Referral Cutoff

Oh my gosh...the cut off for April is....drum roll, please...NOVEMBER 1ST! That means they are FINALLY matching those in the month before us! WOOHOO!!!

So exciting....only 7 more weeks of families logged in before us! Shouldn't be too much longer now! Puts us in the "probably July or August" category (still!)! Now THAT's good news!

Does This Hit Home For You?

Pastor Brian's sermon last night (we have church on Saturday nights)...oh my goodness...it was so incredibly good! I had share some of the "most moving" highlights! He began a series 5 weeks ago looking at Jesus through the eyes of John, the disciple Jesus loved. So, this week, we were on John 5. Please take the time to read the entire chapter; as for the sake of space, I am only going to summarize not only the passage, Brian's comments on and my impressions.

Some background, John 5 is the healing of the man who was sitting by the pool Bethesda. He had an ailment for 38 years and had been attempting to get into the pool when the angel came down to move the waters. (Remember, an angel would come down, move the waters and the first person in the water would be healed.)

Brian has such a phenomenal way of making the Bible come to life! He is truly a gifted teacher! He suggested we consider this man's response to Jesus when he asked the man if he wanted to be healed. Instead of saying "YES! I want to be healed", he said, "I have nobody when the water is moving to put me into the pool; but while I am trying to come myself, somebody else steps down ahead of me" (John 5:7). Brian's point is: we get stuck looking only at one solution to our problem. For this man, the problem was not being able to get into the waters...while the solution to the ailment was talking to him! Sometimes God wants us to consider that he wants to solve our problem, but if we are only praying and looking for one specific solution, we are going to miss the healing/answer/ultimate solution. So, what is your problem you are seeking a solution to? Are you asking God to show you His solution or are you praying for a specific solution and not seeing it being answered that way?

I immediately thought of so many people I know who are struggling with infertility. They see the ONLY solution to building a family as a biological one. However, there is adoption which is the way God is growing our family. And I, personally, would not have it any other way! I also thought of a family member who is dead set on obtaining a job with a specific organization. He continues to set his entire life (and his family's lives) on hold by not seeking other employment as he waits for THIS job. I have always wondered all this time he is so focused on one specific thing, what is he missing somewhere else? I know for us, DH did not want to move to Texas. He prefered Chicago. But God wanted us in Texas, and if we had not been open to what God wanted...we would have missed SO MANY blessings!

Do you want to be free of want? Well, the solution is to focus on Jesus. This man was praying for someone to put him into the pool, when if he had even been paying a little bit attention, he would have seen that Jesus--the great healer--was standing in front of him! He almost missed it when Jesus said "get up; pick up your bed and walk" (vs. 8). He was so focused on the only solution--getting into the pool--he was not listening to the talk about temple of who Jesus was. I wonder, how many others around the pool did Jesus heal? How many others then began pursuing their healing from him rather than just the pool? I don't know. John does not talk about any of the others around the pool.

The last point...did you see the people who were focusing only on the fact that he was carrying his mat? They completely disregarded what could be a "bigger sin" of performing a healing on the Sabbath. Instead, they only focused on the man not carrying his mat. Again, we see individuals who are honed into one thing without realizing they should consider the fact that HE WAS HEALED! (Until, of course, the man told them it was Jesus who healed him.) And did you also notice the man did not even realize WHO had healed him until Jesus later found him in the temple? What's up with that? He did not even realize who Jesus was when he was talking to him. He was, again, so focused on the pool, he was not even paying attention to the man he was talking to. Maybe he was not even looking at Jesus, completely focused on not missing the moving of the water. Maybe it "about time" for the water to move...and he was not about to miss it because he was talking to "some man".

Boy does it make me think...is this me? What areas of my life am I narrow mindedly praying for a specific answer for a specific problem rather than allowing God to bring the answer another way? How about you?

My Latest Purchase

I saw this on clearance at JCP a couple of weeks ago and purchased it in size 6/9 mo. I thought it looked a bit big, but when I got home and showed it to DH, the first thing he said was "looks a bit big, doesn't it?". (Since he thought so too, I knew it probably was going to be.) So, I decided yesterday to go back and see if they had one in 3/6 mo. I had pretty much resigned to knowing they would not have it, but I got there, and they did! It was the last one in that size too! I was pretty excited! So, whether she's little ity-bity or a just small...I believe this is what Megan will wear on the plan ride home. It is adorable, but comfy. Who can resist a cutie in this?

Our Farewell--3 Years Ago

It seems unbelieveable that we said good bye to our Ian just a week after welcoming him into the world. I am forever grateful for the almost 24 hrs where he never left our sight...for Brian taking all the family photos of us with our beautiful boy...for NanaLin, Grandpa Gale and Grandma Patty being able to see him alive...for the many friends and family who helped in more ways than I can list.

But life goes on. And ours has...different than we expected, certainly more DIFFICULT than we expected, but it has. We miss Ian desperately. I frequently think about how different our life would be if he was still with us. But he's not...and Megan will be soon. So, I attempt to look forward--to what Megan will bring to our life. After all, what other choice do I have? (Well, okay, what other VIABLE choice do I have?)

This week I reviewed notes I had made just 15 weeks after Ian joined our life as I stood up in front of 100+ people and shared my testimony (twice, actually). I was reminded of something that "came to me" then...I cannot permanently sit on the curb of the road of life because Ian is gone. Yes, it is okay to sit down and have a good cry. But, I cannot spend the rest of my natural life sitting on the curb. I'll miss too much of what lies ahead. And now--3 years later--the "curb time" is becoming less, but it does not change the loss. It does not eliminate the pain, but it does lessen. The intensity comes and goes, but with the large circle of unbelieveable friends I am blessed with, I will survive.

Ian's Birth Day - 3 Years Ago

It's hard to believe it's been 3 years already! Man, time goes fast. While this year has been difficult since we anticipated Megan home by now, it has been the least difficult of all of them, I think. I can't say best, because celebrating a child's birthday without them is never "best", but I can finally say they do become a little less painful. Tonight we are having some close friends over for pizza and a balloon release. Family across the US are also marking the birthday with a balloon release.

I pray next year Megan is here to release the balloons with us! I look forward to having a little one with us to see the world through their eyes!

Happy Easter 2007!

Well, we certainly thought our Megan would be with us for Easter 2007--or at least have her photo by Easter, three years after our beautiful Ian joined our family. But, apparently her day is supposed to be special without past memories attached to it. Her day will come soon...

At this point, the referrals are not looking good. As of right now, it appears to only be for 2 days of people logged in, which means it contains only October people--and not the rest of October. But, there are still rumblings that information is still in route to arrive early this week. We are hoping that our friends, the Zimmers, will receive their approval in this batch of information yet to arrive. Further, a fellow Buckner/Gladney family, is hoping for referral this week as well. If not, they will have missed the cutoff by 2 days! We figured they would certainly be in this batch! I sure hope more information is on the way. I pray it is so!

Wishing you and your family a Blessed Easter!

Is it Boy or Girl?

Don't freak..it's not us...well, not really. Clark & Tosha are pregnant! We are so excited!!! Will it be a new niece or nephew! Personally, I think I'm voting for a boy...just to even the score as the current "score" is: Boys 2, Girls 3. We have (in order of birth) Ashley, Kaitlynn, Ian, Brady, MEGAN and new baby! But if we continue the pattern...it could be a girl!

Congrats Clark & Tosha!

March Referrals

Rumor has it they are currently in route to agencies! I'm hoping at least SOME of those logged in November 2005 are included in this month. I will post as soon as I see what's included! (Rumor has it they might go at least a few days into November.) That sounds exciting, but we shall see!!!