Its been 9 years since we last held our precious son, Ian. Yesterday we marked that anniversary/birthday/celebration/whatever-you-want-to-call-it-day. Its so hard to believe its been that long...and yet its almost hard to recall what he smelled like, what he looked like, what his hair felt like or what it looked like. I know that is what happens with the passing of time. There are so many things I wish I would have done if I had only known I only had 7 days. But we did what we could at the time and there are no take backs. I do wish we had more pictures. I really, really wish we had BETTER pictures since its all we have. And more than anything I wish we had family pictures I can be proud to display.
Yesterday as I was driving to class, I was thinking about the significance of the day for our family and whether or not I should share it with my students. I got to school about an hour early and since the school is pretty close to the cemetery, I decided to stop there for just a minute since it is no longer close to our house. I noticed that he needs some new flowers. Then I noticed something I also look at when I stop: I noticed how many infants have been buried since him. I would guess there are about six rows of babies that have died after him. After I got into the car to head back to school, I prayed for each of those families. I prayed that if they didn't know God, that He would make himself known to them. That they would know the peace, comfort and hope that He alone brings to those of us who have been asked to walk the path of child loss. Then I was reminded of the many people in my circle of friends and acquaintances who have walked the path or who have friends who have walked or are walking the path of child terminal illnesses or child loss. And I prayed for them, that God would be close to them, that He would comfort them and bring them peace through their trials.
Then I couldn't help but think about a series that our pastor, Bob Roberts, is doing at our church. He started it on Easter. Its called "Its time to Heal Your Wounded Heart". You can hear or watch it
here. He said something on Easter that I've thought about for the past two weeks: Jesus experienced every kind of temptation that we have or will experience on this earth. He had to in order to take on your sin, he had to experience the temptation. As I was pondering that, I thought of Lazarus. In John 11, the Bible says that Mary & Martha (very, very good friends of Jesus--maybe even like sisters to him) sent word that their brother, Lazarus, was sick. I have to wonder if Lazarus was like a brother to Jesus. They identify him as the "one you love". Jesus didn't come for 2 days and Lazarus died. I do think that Jesus waited so that he could raise Lazarus from the dead, but honestly, something hit me yesterday I had not thought about before. I believe Jesus waited so that he could experience the sorrow, hurt and pain that we experience when we lose a loved one. If he experienced every temptation that could possibly experience, why wouldn't he experience every hurt? The thought overwhelmed me. It STILL overwhelms. What great love. He knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, and yet, in John 11:35 it says "Jesus wept." Very simply, very obviously he felt the pain of the loss of someone he loved so much. He felt the hurt. He felt the sorrow. Purposefully. PURPOSEFULLY!!! He purposefully didn't send word to heal Lazarus so he could feel the hurt that we feel when we lose a loved one. We can take our hurts to him, he's felt the pain. By choice.
