Being real

I'm going to be open and real for this post. Not that I'm not usually, but I am good at only writing/sharing/focusing on certain things. Typically, the good things. I don't often share the struggles/fears/concerns that cross my mind. Now, in general, I don't worry. And for the most part, I'm pretty good about putting my concerns at the feet of Jesus. After all, there is not much I can do about them until I turn them over to him. If he's going to resolve them, he has to have them. At any rate, I realized just moments ago that I needed to share this. All of this.

In the last few weeks, I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety. Anxiety surrounding Rachel. How is bringing a 13-yr old going to change our family? How is Megan going to respond? How is it going to change my marriage? How in the WORLD do you PARENT a teenager? And what about a teenager who's emotional age is probably more like 7 or 8? What is she going to be like? Is she going to click with us? Is she going to hate being in our family? How long will it take her to "be real"? And where is the remaining $8,000 going to come from? How am I going to travel to China by myself? What if I "need a break"? There will be only me. No walking away for a breather when I'm the only parent! Who will I talk to about my struggles or what to do? How will Megan handle me being gone for that long? How will Dad handle being full-time parent for that many days? My head spins with it all. Seriously. That's a lot of heavy stuff. I hadn't really shared any of it with anyone...I've just been letting swirl around in my head occasionally, afraid to say anything. I would be lying if I didn't say that I've even considered backing out of this...the demands on me feel like too much sometimes. But, I know this is God's plan, so I keep trudging forward. And trudging is EXACTLY what it feels like.

One day this week when I should have been doing something else more "productive" while Megan was napping, I was strolling around websites. This site is one I found more recently. In fact, I found it because the moderator contacted me to ask if we'd like to be profiled on the site. Seeing it as an opportunity to possibly sell more t-shirts and hairclips, I said YES! I haven't been on the site for a while, for many reasons. First, its not bookmarked on my laptop and most of my website strolling I do on the laptop while Megan is watching her few shows or she's playing with Dad. Second, I haven't been strolling websites much! It's just been so busy, I have not had the time to do it. At any rate, I read this article written by another adoptive mom. One who didn't plan on adopting at that time, but God had other plans. She spoke RIGHT TO ME. I swear. Was she reading my mind? Oh, no. It was a God thing. Hop over and read it, if you a minute or two. But if not, let me just say it opened my eyes to realize that adopting JiJie Rachel is not one bit about me. Not one bit about how I'm going to do it. Or if I can. Or where the money will come from. Its about the big things God is going to do. It's about the the position I get to play. Do I want to sit on the sidelines and watch? Or do I want to get in the game and play? Personally, I chose to play a position on the team and see what God's going to do.

I realize this is not going to be easy, but then there's little about my life that has been. It's about being willing to join the game. And I'm willing. I'm sure there will be days that the struggles will be significant and I will need to be reminded about the goodness that will come out of this. But I will play the game. I wouldn't miss it for the world! And I wouldn't miss giving Megan the opportunity to have a sister for whatever little (or big) inconveniences that lay ahead.